


Changes/1-800-273-8255

by Thorkyriebabes



Series: Songfic Verse [1]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, HEAVY warning for depression, Heavy Angst, MJ as spider-woman, Recovery, Service Dogs, Spider-Woman!MJ, Suicidal actions, TW: Mentions of Self Harm, alcohol use, dr peter parker, peter parker is a good parent, politician!MJ, possible drug use idk yet, tw: PTSD, tw: attempted suicide, tw: depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26829355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thorkyriebabes/pseuds/Thorkyriebabes
Summary: MJ's senior year of high school is particularly rough. Peter is there for her the entire time. And, after, he gets to be by her side as she achieves more than she'd ever seen herself doing.
Relationships: Michelle Jones/Peter Parker
Series: Songfic Verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1967668
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	1. Changes

**Author's Note:**

> the content of this fic is kinda heavy. so. fair warning.

_ Mmm, baby, I don't understand this _

_ You're changing, I can't stand it _

_ My heart can't take this damage _

_ And the way I feel, can't stand it _

Peter glances up at MJ, from his locker, wondering what exactly he’d done wrong. After making her web-fluid, suits, and tech for nearly three years, you’d think they’d be really close. And you’d be right. Up until a week ago, she’d slept more in his bottom bunk than she slept at her own home. Ever since freshman year, when she’d approached him for a hypothetical question- creating a material strong enough to swing through the streets of New York on and sticky enough to adhere to buildings. He’d created an entire protein for her, genetically engineered specifically for her. Actually, he’d created more than one. And the patent he’d gotten on the gene sequence for the silk had earned him an internship at Stark Industries and acceptance to ESU as a freshman in high school. But he’d deferred, for a semester, before finally being convinced to take most of his classes there and take one class at Midtown, so he could be near his friends. So he could have one class with them, go to lunch, and leave, heading back to ESU for the rest of the day. 

He’s been by MJ’s side since nearly the moment she got her powers. He helped her sew her first real suit- she’d been using one of her gymnastics leotards and yoga pants until she’d accidentally shredded the fabric- and her back- with one wrong fall onto concrete. Road rash is no laughing matter- he’d spent nearly three hours in the middle of the night picking asphalt and gravel out of her already healing skin that night. He’s seen her highest highs as Spider-Woman, and up until this week, he thought he’d seen her lowest lows. Peter doesn’t understand it. She isn’t talking to him, she hasn’t come over to his and May’s apartment for more web fluid, she hasn’t even put on her suit and patrolled the city the entire week.

_ Mmm, baby, I don't understand this _

_ You're changing, I can't stand it _

MJ’s at a party. He knows because she’s on Flash’s snapchat story, doing a body shot off of some shirtless dude. Since when does MJ drink alcohol? Or go to parties? She hates loud noises and crowded rooms, they wreak havoc on her enhanced senses. Peter throws his phone across his room and buries his face in the pillow on the bottom bunk of his bed when he sees it. It smells like her, and it makes the pain that’s strangling his heart even worse. 

_ My heart can't take this damage _

_ And the way I feel, can't stand it _

_ Mmm, baby, I don't understand it _

MJ is his best friend. Well, Ned is too, but their relationship is somehow different than the one he has with MJ. He spends more time with MJ than he spends with anyone else, even if they’re both just silently coexisting together while he works on his senior thesis and she sketches. Peter just doesn’t understand why she keeps avoiding him, why she lashes out at decathlon practice when he asks her to stay late to go over the econ questions (as an excuse to spend time with her, of course), why she keeps going to parties, why she never seems to be paying attention in the one class they have together, why she’s completely avoiding May and Ben, why her grades are dropping, why she comes to school looking like she hasn’t slept in weeks. He doesn’t understand it because she’s pushing him away, and he’s so used to being the one she turns to when she’s upset that he doesn’t know what to do with himself now that all of a sudden he’s not. 

_ Girl, you're making it hard for me _

It seems the updates Peter gets on MJ filter in from people around him, now. He finds out from a very concerned Mr. Harrington a month after she stops talking to Peter that she’s dropped decathlon, claiming that she couldn’t keep up with the stress of being Captain coupled with the stress of college applications. 

_ Girl, you're making it hard for me _

Peter finds out from a concerned Ned that she’s been making her own web fluid, using a previous iteration from a year ago. When she patrols, he gets updates on her fights from the news, instead of being in her ear with Ned like he usually is. Every time, his heart is in his throat, as he thinks ‘I can’t lose her. I can’t lose her. God, please, don’t let her die.’

_ Girl, you're making it hard for me, uh _

MJ is fighting Rhino when Peter watches, on live TV, as she gets smacked into a wall, knocked unconscious. He can almost hear her bones cracking, he can see her unmoving body laying there on the concrete. He watches as one of the Defenders finishes the fight, as an ambulance takes her away. He failed. The suit he made didn’t protect her.

_ Girl, you're making it hard for me _

MJ comes back to school three days after the fight with a bad limp, but she still refuses to say a word to Peter. He tries to offer her a hug, but she puts her hand in his face and walks away. It stings, but she hasn’t talked to him in four months. Yet, he’s not going to give up on her. He loves her too much to let their years of friendship go.

_ Girl, you're making it hard for me _

Peter starts leaving food in her locker. She still doesn’t talk to him, but every morning, he leaves a donut or a bagel in her locker, and every afternoon, he opens his locker to find a sketch of himself from over the years she’s had of sketching him. It’s a thank you for the food. He’ll take what he can get. 

_ Girl, you're making it hard for me _

Eventually, she stops leaving him sketches. Instead, he finds the food he’d left for her in his locker, uneaten. 

_ Mmm, baby, I don't understand this _

_ You're changing, I can't stand it _

MJ keeps going to parties, keeps getting into nasty fights, and keeps ignoring him and any help anyone offers her. 

_ My heart can't take this damage _

_ And the way I feel, can't stand it _

_ Mmm, baby, I… _

May calls him at three in the morning, one day. She’s on the graveyard shift at the hospital. “Peter, she’s in the ER.” 


	2. 1-800-273-8255

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MJ goes through a rough time. Peter remains a loyal friend the whole time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please check the tags for trigger warnings before reading.

_ I've been on the low _

_ I been taking my time _

_ I feel like I'm out of my mind _

_ It feel like my life ain't mine _

_ Who can relate? _

MJ has nightmares every night about Thanos. About how they only just succeeded in pulling the gauntlet off of him on Titan, about how it took all of the combined strength of her, Tony, Stephen, and the guardians to kill him. She remembers how his blood spattered all over her suit. She hadn’t even known that Peter had made it until Tony had summoned it to rescue her from her fall from the spaceship. He’d lovingly handmade each and every piece of it. She wakes up feeling the blood soaking into her skin, and she scratches her arms raw trying to get it off each night, sobbing. When she’s sleeping at Peter’s, he’s there to gently coax her out of her panic attacks, to hold her and keep her from hurting herself. When she’s not, though, she comes to school wearing a hoodie to hide the scabs. 

_ I've been on the low _

_ I been taking my time _

_ I feel like I'm out of my mind _

_ It feel like my life ain't mine _

MJ comes to the realization that being friends with Peter is putting him in danger a week into their senior year. A villain makes a quip about “kidnapping that cute little boyfriend [of hers]” and all of a sudden, all she can think of is how she’s putting him in harm’s way every day. So she cuts him off. She stops responding to his questions, shrugs off his touches and pushes him away when he tries to hug her. The only time she says anything to him is in Decathlon practice, when she quizzes him on the topics he’s responsible for knowing. 

_ I don't wanna be alive _

MJ doesn’t go out on patrol for a week after deciding to cut Peter off. She’s terrified of letting anything slip that anyone could trace back to Peter while on patrol, she’s terrified of leading anything back to her family’s apartment, she’s terrified of failing as Spider-Woman due to a poorly-timed flashback to that horrible, awful planet. 

_ I don't wanna be alive _

Cutting Peter off means cutting May and Ben off too. It means going from sleeping 5/7 days a week in Peter’s bottom bunk, in the relative quiet of the Parker residence, to putting up with her brothers playing video games ‘til 6 am every morning, arguing with each other about who won what. It means that sleep eludes her, and when she finally does get to sleep, she’s plagued by nightmares not just of killing Thanos, but of what could have happened if they hadn’t. She starts seeing blood on her clothes every time she opens her eyes, and even on the suit, when she puts it on for the first time in a week. She scratches at it until she’s bleeding, too. 

_ I just wanna die today _

_ I just wanna die _

MJ quickly realizes that Flash’s stupid parties are a great place to get out of her head for a little bit. To forget that she exists, or that she has blood on her hands. It starts with drinking a beer or two, then having a few shots, then doing body shots off of random guys. Then sleeping with said random guys, trying to pretend she doesn’t wish they were someone else. Eventually, one of those random guys offers her some pill, and despite her spider-sense screaming at her not to take it, she does. It makes it easy to forget, even if just for a little bit. 

_ I don't wanna be alive _

MJ’s not quite sure when she realized the city might be better off with Spider-Woman dead. She’s not quite sure when she ended up disabling the vitals monitor on her suit, or when she turned Lexa, her AI, off. 

_ I don't wanna be alive _

She starts deliberately provoking fights. Deliberately luring supervillain after supervillain out, in the hopes that one of them finally kills her and does the city a service. 

_ I just wanna die _

_ And let me tell you why _

_ All this other shit I'm talkin' 'bout they think they know it _

_ I've been praying for somebody to save me, no one's heroic _

_ And my life don't even matter _

_ I know it, I know it, I know I'm hurting deep down but can't show it _

No one understands that MJ can’t stop seeing death around her. No one understands that she’s in pain, that she doesn’t sleep anymore. No one understands. No one gets it. She quits decathlon. She stops talking to her friends unless she’s at a party, and the people that go to these parties aren’t really her friends, anyways. No one says anything to her, either. No one helps her, even though she’s so clearly flickering out, like a dying star. 

_ I never had a place to call my own _

_ I never had a home _

_ Ain't nobody callin' my phone _

Ned doesn’t say anything to her when she walks into school limping after spending three days in the ICU. Peter tries to hug her, but she can’t put him in danger by associating with him. She brushes him off. None of her teachers seem concerned that she hasn’t turned in work in four months, or that she’s limping through school. 

_ Where you been? Where you at? What's on your mind? _

_ They say every life precious but nobody care about mine _

Peter starts leaving her breakfast every morning. For a little while, she indulges him, because the donuts and bagels he leaves for her are her favorite flavors, and she appreciates the food. She even starts leaving him old sketches she’s made of him over the years, until she runs out of the ones she’s willing to part with. That’s around the time another supervillain says something about how “oh, don’t worry, we know your little boyfriend will fix that” about a rip in her suit. She stops accepting the breakfasts. 

_ I've been on the low _

_ I been taking my time _

Finally, it happens. The last fight. She’s ready to accept it the moment the knife pierces her chest. She doesn’t keep fighting. MJ relaxes, releasing the webbing holding her up and letting herself fall. But, surprisingly, when she opens her eyes, she’s not looking at the Conductor, ready to take her to the realm of the dead. She’s looking at Peter’s very alive face.

_ I feel like I'm out of my mind _

_ It feel like my life ain't mine _

_ Who can relate? _

MJ slowly opens back up to him, lets him in again. She doesn’t have much of a choice. She woke up to him cuddled up to her side on her hospital bed after what was, apparently, a twelve hour surgery. Ever since, he’s refused to leave her alone for even a second. She’s too afraid of shattering his heart to have the nurses remove him. He doesn’t let her have even a moment of alone time.  _ He knows, _ she realizes. He knows that this wasn’t just a lost fight. He knows that she chose to get hit by the knife. He knows. He knows. 

_ I've been on the low _

_ I been taking my time _

When MJ is released from the hospital, her mom tells her she has the choice between inpatient therapy and living with the Parkers, because her mom’s job is too demanding and important for her to watch MJ 24/7. Michelle doesn’t blame her for being busy. She’s a surgeon. MJ picks the option of living with the Parkers, and Ben makes sure MJ knows, in no uncertain terms, that she is expressly forbidden from patrolling until her psychiatrist clears her for it. May makes sure the window in Peter’s bedroom has a padlock on it that only Peter, May, and Ben know the code to. Peter removes anything Spider-Woman related from the apartment, relocating it to his lab. Peter is glued to her side all day, the first day she gets out of the hospital. He doesn't say it, but she knows he’s terrified. And the guilt that she caused that terror eats at her and eats at her until she opens her arms up and pulls him into them. “I’m sorry, Peter. I’m so sorry.”

_ I feel like I'm out of my mind _

_ It feel like my life ain't mine _

Despite what the Parkers tell her, MJ can’t help but feel like a burden. She knows they’d be better off without her. But right now, her life isn’t her own. She’s living for Peter, so she doesn’t have to picture what he’d look like at her funeral. She doesn’t shrug him off, every time he hugs her, but she doesn’t exactly relax into his arms. 

_ I want you to be alive _

MJ attempted suicide. There. It’s in words, now, what everyone in the Parker residence knows. MJ has a formal diagnosis of PTSD and depression, but all Peter really cares about is that she’s not okay. Every night, when she wakes up crying, trying not to wake him up, he climbs down from his bunk and lays with her, holding her hands so she can’t scratch her skin until it’s bleeding like she normally tries to do. He doesn’t try to talk to her, or comfort her, or shush her. He just lays with her. Quietly.    
  


_ I want you to be alive _

Every morning since she was released from the hospital, Peter has made her pancakes. He’s not sure why he makes her pancakes specifically, but he’s trying to show her that he cares about her. That he loves her. Every time he sets the plate down in front of her, he reminds her that, “MJ, I love you. I want you to be alive. I want you to be here with me.”

_ You don't gotta die today _

Peter walks into the apartment after the last day of finals at ESU for the semester to find MJ sitting on the couch with May, finally talking to her. Finally opening up, after nearly a week. He quietly makes his way to his room, letting them talk. It’s good that she’s opening up. 

_ You don't gotta die _

A few nights later, MJ climbs up to his bunk when she wakes up from her nightmare, before he even has a chance to wake up. He wakes up to her laying her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Stroking his fingers through her hair, he whispers a “thank you, God,” before closing his eyes again, keeping his hand in her hair. She stays with him all night, and he wakes up to realize that for the first time in probably months, she fell back asleep. 

_ I want you to be alive _

Peter suggests they cuddle before bed the next night. He makes sure she knows she doesn’t have to. But surprisingly, MJ cuddles up to him on her bunk, pulling him in and laying her head down on his chest, falling asleep on top of him. Once she falls asleep, Peter breathes out, smiling up at his bunk. Her head is heavy, but he doesn’t mind. When she wakes up shaking, he’s there to comb his fingers through her hair and hold her until the tears stop streaming down her face, until she falls asleep again.

_ You don't gotta die _

_ Now lemme tell you why _

Peter goes holiday shopping the next day, stopping in at the bookstore MJ used to frequent before the school year started. He buys her volumes A-F of the  _ Norton Anthology of World Literature _ , hoping that it will give her enough material to read for weeks, or months. He also buys her a mug and a jar of her favorite tea blend. He knows that she’ll like at least one story within the nearly six thousand pages he’s gotten her. She has to. 

_ It's the very first breath _

MJ isn’t aware that it’s the holidays until Peter brings her a mug of her favorite tea to wake her up in the morning one day. She follows him out to the living area, where Ben is pulling out a tray of cinnamon rolls and humming “Baby it’s Cold Outside.” Sitting down with her on the couch, Peter hands her two wrapped book sets- she knows because she can feel the books through the wrapping paper- and lays his head on her shoulder. MJ doesn’t smile at him, exactly, but she does hug him tight and nod in approval, before curling up with her tea and opening up the last volume, volume F, finding ‘Recitatif’ in the table of contents and turning to read it. 

_ When your head's been drowning underwater _

Reading is like getting oxygen after suffocating for months. The comforting words of the short story soothe her until she finds a smile on her face for the first time in four months. When she sets down the book and reaches for a cinnamon roll without being prompted to eat, without being told that it’s okay to eat their food, MJ realizes that she’s going to be okay. That it would maybe be okay if she didn’t die. 

_ And it's the lightness in the air _

When she’s reading, she can shed the burdens of the material world to sink into the pages, into the realm of whatever she’s reading. When she starts writing little notes in the margins, analyzing the author’s choice of this or the symbolism behind that, it’s like the air goes from a suffocating 100% humidity to an easily breathable 20%. When school starts again, her AP Lit professor sends home a packet of readings for her, too, and prompts or themes for essays about them, and for the first time since school started this year, she actually does her homework. 

_ When you're there _

Peter is there for her every time she feels like she’s falling again. May and Ben and her mom are, too. But it’s Peter who settles down to sit with her in the shower when she just needs to cry with the hot water running over her, it’s Peter who makes her breakfast every morning and tells her “I want you to be alive, I love you,” it’s Peter who goes out of his way to get her favorite tea and any book she requests from the bookstore. Even when his last semester of classes at ESU starts, he’s by her side during every moment of free time he has, pushing her to continue getting better, going to therapy, working on feeling okay. 

_ Chest to chest with a lover _

And it’s Peter who she kisses, when he tells her excitedly that he got into medical school at ESU. She can’t help but press her lips to his when he tells her, pushing him down to the bed and kissing him until they’re both dizzy and panting for air. “That’s amazing, Peter,” she grins at him, when she pulls away. “You’re going to be a doctor!” MJ laughs, leaning back in to kiss him again. “I love you,” she confesses. He’s been telling her he loves her for months now. She’s pretty sure he sighs in relief when he hears her words, but she doesn’t dwell on that for long, because they’re kissing again, and damn, that feels good. 

_ It's holding on, though the road's long _

Her first choice when she’d filled out college applications at the end of the summer had been ESU, after hearing about how great the curriculum was for nearly four years from Peter. Then, she hadn’t really thought she was going to live past New Year’s. But she did, and in March, she gets an early decision letter saying she’d gotten in. The road to this point, to being able to be excited about going to university again, was a long one. But when MJ tackles Peter to the couch in a hug when he gets home from class, rambling on about the acceptance letter and the philosophy program she’d been admitted to, all she can think about is the future. 

_ And seeing light in the darkest things _

Now, when MJ has nightmares, she knows she’s going to be okay. She knows this because she can hear Peter’s heartbeat, under her ear. She knows this because despite the blood on her hands, the Parkers still love her. Her mom still loves her. Pepper still loves her. She knows that the people she loves are alive and that they aren’t going anywhere, that Thanos can’t get to them. 

_ And when you stare at your reflection _

Sometimes, when she’s in the shower, she sees the scars littering her body. After years of fights and nightmare-induced self harm, they’re everywhere. But then, she thinks about how even with all these scars, sometimes, when he thinks she won’t notice, Peter stares at her like she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. 

_ Finally knowing who it is _

MJ knows now that she’s okay with just being Michelle, without the strings of Spider-Woman attached. Michelle is okay with it, with not being Spider-Woman for some time. The city thinks she died in that fight, and MJ can’t bring herself to contradict them, not anymore. She sees how happy Peter is that she’s around, and she realizes that living for another person is better than not living at all. 

_ I know that you'll thank God you did _

On her birthday, Peter takes her to the bookstore and they sit quietly together for the whole day, until he brings her back to the Parker apartment for dinner and cake with May, Ben, and Ned. It’s the first time she’s seen Ned in person in months, but Ned wraps her up in a hug just the same, telling her excitedly about the new game he got for them to play together. 

_ I know where you been, where you are, where you goin' _

Helping MJ learn to be okay with being alive takes time. When she gets out of the hospital, she’s terrified of messing up again, of making him upset. He knows she thinks she’s a burden, he knows she’s not living for herself. But as time goes on, he also sees that she’s growing into being comfortable with just being Michelle again. He sees her slowly feeling better, especially when she’s reading. He knows she’s going to be okay, just like he knows they’re going to love going to ESU together with Ned. 

_ I know you're the reason I believe in life _

When MJ, Ned, and Peter move into their on-campus apartment at ESU, all Peter can think of is how amazing it is that he has MJ as his friend. He finds himself watching her bring their boxes in, and when her eyes meet his, catching his stare, she smiles at him, tucking her hair behind her ear. He helps her assemble their bed, and the couch, and then they work together on putting away their kitchen stuff. He makes dinner that night thinking about how May was right, when she told him he’d marry MJ one day.

_ What's the day without a little night? _

MJ and Peter balance each other out. Make each other whole. Even when their schedules are busy, even when their schedules barely give them enough time to hug each other, let alone sleep in the same bed, they manage to remind each other that they care. MJ leaves Peter little landscape sketches and in return, Peter leaves her a fresh batch of cookies, or cupcakes, or a recipe card with pre-mixed (well, he pre-mixed them) ingredients for her to make her own cookies. What MJ doesn’t know is that Peter keeps all her sketches in his study binder, uses them as dividers protected in plastic sheets to keep his classes apart. Every time he goes to study something, he’s reminded of her. 

_ I'm just tryna shed a little light _

_ It can be hard _

_ It can be so hard _

There are still nights when MJ wakes up screaming, and all Ned can do to calm her down is put Peter or May on the phone. There are even nights when MJ slips out of the apartment, sneaking up to the rooftop with her webshooters on her wrists. The world thinks Spider-Woman is dead. Peter knows MJ feels immense guilt over that. Eventually, she starts walking the streets near campus when she can’t sleep and Peter’s not home, tempting danger. Spider-Woman doesn’t return for a few more years, and that’s for another story, but Peter knows she can’t stay still for long. So, when rumors start circulating, three months after the fall semester starts, of a woman who always goes out of her way to help people, even if it puts her in danger, even if it means getting into a fight, he isn’t surprised. From what he’s heard, she fights dirty, does anything to help would-be victims afterwards. He’s proud of her. 

_ But you gotta live right now _

_ You got everything to give right now _

MJ and Peter aren’t exactly together. Despite their mutual feelings, and the makeout session they enjoyed earlier in the year, they’ve been taking a while to actually label themselves. They make excuses about being busy, about not wanting to make a commitment this young, about wanting to explore other relationships. But they don’t. They always return to each other. 

_ I've been on the low _

_ I been taking my time _

MJ ends up with a 4.0 her first semester in college, despite the nightmares, the anxiety, the sleepless nights. She has a great support system of people that love her and want her to succeed, and her professors genuinely care about her. 

_ I feel like I'm out of my mind _

_ It feel like my life ain't mine _

MJ isn’t living for herself quite yet. No, she’s a long ways off from that still. But she’s damn happy to be living for the people who love her. Two years into college, during a small break in Peter’s busy schedule, Peter invites her on a short road trip. They tour Niagara Falls, see a bit of Lake Ontario, and then stay at a cabin Peter rented for the weekend. It’s been over two years since she kissed him, but that weekend, their lips lock together again. Their relationship has changed when they leave the cabin, and they stop pretending they’re ever going to fall for other people. 

_ Who can relate? _

_ I've been on the low _

_ I been taking my time _

Her psychiatrist finally clears her to be Spider-Woman again. It’s been years since Spider-Woman’s death, so she and Peter redesign the suit from the ground up, making it entirely different from the designs she had before. Swinging through the city comes just as naturally as loving Peter. When she suits up the first time, she tells the public that she’s a different person than the old Spider-Woman. In a way, she’s not lying. 

_ I feel like I'm out of my mind _

_ It feel like my life ain't mine _

No, MJ might not be living for herself yet, but one day she will be. For now, she just exists. She can learn how to be a planner again when she’s older. 

_ I finally wanna be alive (finally wanna be alive) _

_ I finally wanna be alive _

Peter matches into trauma surgery. It’s not really a surprise, considering he’s been stitching her up since freshman year of high school. His residency is in DC, which coincides perfectly with MJ’s plan of world domination. Or, well, going into politics. MJ gets a job as an assistant for a New York senator, and Peter spends days at the hospital. Sometimes a week passes before they get to see each other, with both of their schedules being so packed that first year. Especially with MJ commuting back and forth for Spider-Woman to continue protecting Queens. But for the first time since she attempted, MJ feels like she’s living for herself. 

_ I don't wanna die today (hey) _

_ I don't wanna die _

Michelle runs for Congress when Peter finishes his residency and they move back to Queens. She wins her race in a landslide. It’s not hard, once Spider-Woman endorses her. Having a partner that’s doing a trauma surgery fellowship at ESU’s teaching hospital doesn’t hurt either. 

_ I finally wanna be alive (finally wanna be alive) _

_ I finally wanna be alive (oh) _

Peter proposes to her when they’re out to dinner in DC, celebrating the first bill she’s ever proposed and gotten passed in both chambers. When she sees him kneeling down in front of her, Michelle laughs at him, pulling a ring box out of her purse and mirroring his pose. She’s pretty sure the restaurant patrons and the paparazzi had been expecting a more traditional proposal, probably tearful and heartfelt and all that bullshit. Instead, they got MJ and Peter keeling over in laughter when they realized they’d both been intending on proposing that night. 

_ I don't wanna die (no, I don't wanna die) _

_ I don't wanna die _

If MJ could tell her high school self anything, MJ would tell herself that things do get better. That Peter is protected not just by her but also by the Starks, and that pushing him away is only going to make her nightmares worse. She would tell herself that living is so, so worth it. That one day, everything will work out. She’d tell herself to have faith, to trust in her loved ones, and to stop isolating herself.

_ (I just wanna live) _

_ (I just wanna live) _

Their courthouse wedding is beautiful and private. Only family and a few friends are invited, and afterwards they have a small party in the backyard of their rental in Alexandria, since Congress is in session. They adopt a dog, and after a little bit of training, she becomes Michelle’s service dog. MJ still has bad days, awful nightmares, and sometimes, she closes her eyes and all she can see is the blood on her hands. But with Peter and Lily, her dog, she feels safe. Happy.

_ Pain don't hurt the same, I know _

_ The lane I travel feels alone _

_ But I'm moving 'til my legs give out _

_ And I see my tears melt in the snow _

MJ has so many bad days. Days where she doesn’t feel like existing, much less getting up and going to work. But nevertheless, she persists. Lily makes her get out of bed every morning to be let outside anyways, and after that, getting her coffee and eating some toast isn’t too hard. She just keeps moving, and though sometimes she feels alone, MJ knows she’s not. She has a great support system and a great job and a great husband. She’s going to be okay.

_ But I don't wanna cry _

_ I don't wanna cry anymore _

_ I wanna feel alive _

_ I don't even wanna die anymore _

Michelle would also tell her younger self that she was an idiot for not dating Peter sooner. He’s really damn good in bed. He’s also a fucking catch. It took nine years after high school for them to get married. It took two years after high school for them to even start dating. MJ would tell her high school self three things. One: don’t push your loved ones away. They’re important. Keep them close and they’ll be safe. Two: ask Peter to prom as more than a friend. Stay at Stark Tower that night, in a guest room with an amazing king sized bed. Three: go see a therapist. It’ll really help.

_ Oh I don't wanna _

_ I don't wanna _

_ I don't even wanna die anymore _

MJ paces back and forth in the bathroom nearest her office in the Capitol, wringing her hands. When her timer goes off, she walks over to the sink, checking the results. Two lines. MJ gasps, picking it up and rinsing it off before running out of the bathroom, grabbing her briefcase and putting on her shoes before rushing out of the building and getting a cab to the hospital Peter is working at. Miraculously, he isn’t in an OR when she gets there, and the security guard, all too familiar with her at this point, lets her into the employee break room, where she tackles Peter, who’s making himself a coffee, in a hug. “Peter, we’re having a baby!”

**Author's Note:**

> it's gonna get worse before it gets better, my friends.


End file.
